Two Kinds of Freedom

Communities like Ängsbacka – those that embrace oddity and non-conformism – can appear daunting from the outside. It’s rare to have this level of permission to be authentic. How real can I be? How real will other people be and how will I react? Can I cope with this level of honesty?

I find the names and words used in the descriptions of the courses and festivals at Ängsbacka very provoking. Words like “tantra”, “sexability” and “zen” bring a strong sense of expectation based on personal prejudice and previous experience. There are expectations of the self, of other people, Ängsbacka and the experience as a whole.

If you’ve been here before, you’ll know you cannot predict what will happen, like life itself. All you can predict is yourself. Not your actions, what you will gain or what you will feel, only that you will be here and have complete control over yourself. Being here, fully as yourself and only as yourself rather than another, brings power. You can use this power to embrace freedom to it’s fullest.

There are two kinds of freedom. The 1^st I mentioned above: the permission to do anything, which can bring fear and uncertainty from action. The 2nd I find provides a sense of the reassurance, whilst still allowing free expression: the permission to not do or non-action. This is the freedom to say no, to leave a room, conversation or scenario that does not benefit your truest self. This is not avoidance of facing reality: it is connecting with your current state of being and present limitations. It is the freedom to observe the external world, including others, and the impact on your internal world.

What arises within you in the moment you feel challenged by what you see, or when you are invited to join something unknown? If you feel a “yes” inside, then “yes” is for you now. If you feel a “no” inside, then “no” is for now. And this can change.

The invitation is to be in the now, to respond and engage depending on your level of stability and desire at that moment, which includes saying no, leaving and just generally being free. Life is here, life is now, life is within you. It’s a choice.

Written November 2017 after 1 month volunteering at Angsbacka, Sweden. 

 

An Introvert and Ängsbacka: finale

My level of introversion is vastly different to 7 months ago. I love the freedom I found to be in a space with others, knowing that I’m entitle to have my boundaries around social interaction respected. For me, this means being able to both stop and start an interaction, knowing that the needs of all involved can change and therefore so can the level of interaction.

There seemed to be an order in which I needed to learn these social skills.

• First, the barrier of No:

“I don’t feel like speaking, listening or doing the same thing as you”

• Second, taking the risk to speak first:

“Can I…?” “Do you want to…?”

The most difficult time to do this is when I wish to share something personal or need support, especially from someone I have recently met, which is very common living in a fluid community.

• Third, the awareness of change being ok:

“I changed my mind” “Now I’d like to speak, be quiet or join in”

 

This last point underpins the other two. Stating a boundary or making a request is less scary knowing it doesn’t need to be final and I don’t need to commit forever. One moment I can want conversation, the next to paint with music.

The belief that I had to stick to a decision has really held me back from taking risks and following my intuition, beyond socially. It’s amazing to know that, if I change my mind or make a mistake, I can communicate and learn from this.

I’m still learning to put these into practice, especially the last point. I’ve felt the benefit already in how much more comfortable I am being, working and living with so many people.

It brings me a lot of hope for the connection I will continue to form now and in the future. Most importantly, connection from truth, without hiding or compromising who I am.

Part of a series exploring the topic of introversion. Originally written May 2018. 

An Introvert at Ängsbacka: part 3 of 4

Comfort vs Change

I’ve become quite comfortable here with a relatively steady routine and group of volunteers, which provides a sense of stability. This enables me to experiment and express myself more honestly than ever before because we’ve built up trust and respect amongst the community members.

There was a lot of change in the last 2 weeks in terms of people: 6 of my close friends left and 6 new members joined on the same day. I wanted to go into silence and limit my exposure to them so I would not recieve so much new information. However I realised this can be a way to avoid communicating a hidden need. When I feel the need to withdraw from people I actually what to speak to people, but in a specific way. I want to share troublesome thoughts or talk about something I deam meaningful rather than ‘fun’ or ‘small talk’.

What holds me back from connecting to people is my own fear of judgement and old habits of holding back from reaching out to people. What keeps me motivated is how positive the response is when Ido reach out. I guess it’s received better here because Angsbacka focuses on personal development, but we’ll see how it feels when I leave.

Leaving Angsbacka 

I left Ängsbacka to spend 4 days in Stockholm with 20 unknown volunteers and 6 I’ve known for a week, ‘bonding’ through 8 hours a day coordinated activity and sharing accommodation.

When I arrived in Stockholm the first time, I didn’t even want to speak to the cashiers. Four months later and it’s a different story as my sense of self-worth has increased dramtically. I now know I have the right to communicate my needs, ask for information, clarification or support, honestly and unappologetically.

What does this state of mind mean in reality?

It meant that I gave myself the freedom to express my truth with people, laughing and sharing myself like never before with a group of new people. I also gave myself the freedom to spend time alone, but this wasn’t hiding like it used to me. This was me having time to reconnect with myself, away from the subtle, unconscious influence that comes from being around other people.

Biggest learning 

The most obvious change from these couple of months is how I perceive people: they are human, just like me. They are not a threat or objects in my way. I’ve come to realise how much human interaction enhances my life and how important it is to share moments, thoughts and feelings. Who are we without each other?

Part of a series exploring the topic of introversion. Originally written March 2018.

An Introvert at Angsbacka: work expectations vs reality and honoring connections vs isolation (part 2 of 4)

Two weeks very easily became a month and the more time I spent here the more I realised I had to gain. I decided to commit to working through my personal challenges by committing to a further 6 months.

Work expectations vs reality

I wanted to have a private work project so I could focus and have control of what I was creating. I didn’t want to explain myself or ‘fight’ for my views on which direction the project took my needing to persuade another. However, another volunteer shared my interests so I had a partner.

This made me feel threatened initially: what if they were better than me and took the project? What if I wasn’t needed or was too afraid to share my ideas to be of value? My attitude changed completely after a few days working with Anne-Sofie. I was grateful to share ideas with her as well as responsibility! I missed her presence when she left. She really changed my perspective on what it feels like to work together, as friends.

Honoring connections vs isolation

This month for me was about honoring and deepening current connections. I didn’t speak to many new people but I didn’t need to. What’s more important: being seen on a shallow level by many people or on a deep level with a few? I chose the latter.

I’ve never really been seen before, not even by myself. I’ve acted as the entertainer, the hero and the victim. I don’t want to be a label anymore and something about too many people seeing me stimulates me to behave like one of these labels.

I did go into silence again, which seems to be becoming a monthly event. I don’t feel guilty about it now like I did the first time because I didn’t hide in it. I chose it as a way to look after myself during a very busy period with 300 visitors so of course I didn’t want to speak to everyone.

There was a big difference this time: I allowed myself to remove the ”In Silence” badge when I felt a genuine desire to connect rather than entering a mindset of there being no choice, I had to not speak. This allowed me to use my energy wisely therefore where it felt really valuable. It was a tool that meant I had to energy to deepened current connections that would be sustained throughout my stay.

Part of a series exploring the topic of introversion. Originally written January 2018, 4 months after moving to a personal development community.

 

An Introvert In Ängsbacka: part 1

I’ve been writing throughout this period of intense transformation and I’d like to share some pieces that demonstrate the key insights and moments I’ve experienced. One of the main themes I focused on was introversion as I’ve always considered myself an introvert. This is the first of a series I wrote exploring this topic.

Part 1 (August 2017)

Less than a year ago I applied to stay at meditation centres for weekend retreats, telling them I needed my own room because I got panic attacks at night. I had these attacks because of the stress caused by being around people all the time and knowing that they judge me.

This isn’t new: I began having panic attacks when I was 13 years old, but it wasn’t until I went to University that I realized how crippling it was. It was so isolating and had a huge impact on my social life. I felt like I had no one to speak to because I could not speak to anyone, only hide.

Why would someone like this go to somewhere like Ängsbacka, which hosts up to 1000 guests during the summer and regularly has 100-150 people present during the winter? I don’t remember making the decision consciously, I think I just realized it became impossible for me to continue my personal development on my budget without sharing a room. That was motivation enough: I was stuck and I needed change so I took the risk. After all, 2 weeks isn’t long, right?

It was exciting flying here by myself, but soon the stress of a new country, new language and most noticeably all the people in the hostel (I booked 2 nights so I could settle before heading to Ängsbacka) began to eat away at me. I became scared of speaking or making eye contact with anyone, including shop assistants. I really didn’t want to see people by the time I arrived, let alone share my space with them.

The volunteer coordinator Robin greeted me, introduced me to the other new volunteers and showed us our room and the site. As grateful as I was for the kind a gentle nature of everyone I met, I wanted to be alone. I spent the first 3 evenings alone with my book until someone from the room opposite approached me with the very deliberate goal of getting to know me, hear my story and share his. We spoke for hours each night for the rest of the week, with our hearts open. I sensed no pressure from him, only a willingness to be present with me. Slowly, I began to relax.

It wasn’t until that moment I realized I did want to be seen. Really seen, as a human being; to be looked at with compassion, curiosity and, most importantly, freedom from expectation. I began to make jokes and play, because I felt moved to do so not because I needed to entertain people. I began to tell people my fears and past troubles as if it was just part of normal conversation. And I danced, really danced!

I can’t claim that these 2 weeks have completely transformed me for life, or that I know what will happen when I return home. What I can say is that I have had a glimpse of being seen and felt truly valued for who I am. I have the chance to be open, to share and to receive. Most importantly, I know I don’t need to fear everyone and hide myself all the time. Thank you Ängsbacka.